i smiled, cried, and washed the dishes today.

I woke up to my both eyes swollen. My body’s so sore but I think I’ll be walking a bit lighter. I took one warm bath and remembered how your laugh rang the bell on the spotless part of my mind. How it came well, found me through the labyrinth that even I surrendered to escape from — so way back then. How it guided one little light to my soul, and picked all the scattered pieces of me off the floor.

Today,

I washed my face gently when I knew I missed you again already. My heart ached so much I suddenly lost the track of my stepless breath. But, I laughed instead of crying myself out and I think I look pretty. Filled it, oh, please fill in the part your laugh used to always visit.

Today,

I toasted my bread and ate it bare. You might find it weird that this morning I drank the milk you bought and left on the refrigerator. It sure is weird that I preferred it instead of my usual room-temperatured coffee you said it tasted damp it’s like you’re eating the soil of rainy october. I feel like recalling the past I know so well never really existed. I don’t drink milk and never really had a sip of it. But, in my mind it’s softer, it’s warmer and closer to how I feel your gaze lowered — how a part of me softened as your smile had me withered.

I didn’t plan a thing today. The room is a mess that I couldn’t stretch my hand and not expecting a single dirt to fly away. The to-do-list notebook I regularly brought home once a month was left empty on the living room’s table. You would never get yourself to believe it but oh, most of the things that happened now are unbelievable. I didn’t believe it either. I couldn’t comprehend a thing and how it was all real? How am I still real?

Hey, I looked in the mirror today.

Standing still for a minute then slowly putting my brightest smile I wished it shine on people from miles.

On the table was the leftover pizza from the party last night. And I feel unalive today but I overdone the dishes, the last week’s laundry, the whole detailed room, all perfect ‘cause I feel weird —unsettled. I filled in the to-do-list notebook even if I don’t feel like doing it. I ate and read one of the piled up books yet all I could feel was some kind of shit.

And oh, God, surely you did not need to worsen it. You did not need to step in as a ghost and linger all over the house. I was only a walk away to forget all about you but you want me to instead burn with it. Oh, but really you could slip into my head and you would only see your name tattooed inside it. It hurts me to remove them and the memories they came with.

So, how dare I? How could I?

Today,

I cried and cried so hard I barely breathed. I oversaw the date and I think I drank the expired milk. I feel sick.

I missed you but I was so sure I was numb to feel any of it. I searched for the pills you used to make sure to be always far away from my sight. Little did you know it’s the third and it’s emptied. I missed you. I longed to be with you. But, you said to stay on the watchout ‘til God told me to come up. 

Icried and cried so hard ‘til I lost my breath. I cried and cried ‘til the air was demanding for its way back. I cried and cried ‘til I sank down to my soun

dless sleep.

And today,

I breathe in.