of course i'm calm. you wouldn't know the rage rotting in my soul.

The last time we spoke, you wondered how in the world i stayed on the watchout, so calm and soundless while anybody else feels like a second could pass and the world would then collapse. I smiled in response but my mouth — just like how it’s always — shut.

And I rewinded to the time you said you loved me. For the calmness I pet inside me. For soft-handing your horrible scars you’ve treated harshly. You hate that it looks ugly. And I laughed for your nonsense reasons. Sneaking are-you-sure-you’ll-love-my-full-of-rage-and-anger-self-once-you-think-you-know-me in between giggles so it’s laid in disguise you laughed off so sure I was only lying.

It’s only canon that you walked away then. It’s too casual in the way I could tell from the very first you held my hand. No one has ever loved me unconditionally. And that’s okay ‘cause I do think no one deserves the overwhelming me.

It’s only casual that way. Too casual I wonder how dare I feel like I’m hurting. It’s only casual and not if you did stay. Not if you took the useless old bandage I put on my untreated wide wound and turned to see if it’s still bleeding.

In fact that it did. In fact that this time too, is casual and I should be okay with it.

If I’m okay, who am I kidding?

Even my own self stopped believing. I’m hurting. To say all these things are what I deserved is hurting. But, I have no idea how to live the other way. I have a big zero clue how to tell you my anger’s crawling faster. And that I’m more scared of the fact one day I’ll let my rage taking over. Than telling everyone the lies of me being even calmer.

And if my shoulder trembles, who am I telling?

They don’t know me who’s deep down hardened. They don’t and won’t know me whose heart’s all stiff and sore. Whose rage’s diving down deeper and deeper. Whose rage’s eating my whole body disguising as a worm. They don’t and won’t believe me who’s not the calm one.