butterflies and field of parennials

We’re standing next to each other in the cold late January. Waiting for the bus to stop and bring us along the warmth that is temporary. My hands were busy. Hiding behind the pocket of my white jacket with a bunch of hotpacks you gave to me. They weren’t too cold actually. They were just trying to avoid yours because I can’t let you hold me. I can’t and shouldn’t even have you nearby me.

The chirping birds were loud in afar. Harmonizing the rush wind that blows around as if telling us who we are. I want to feel it close; the winter’s wind that is whispering hush. So I look up to the sky full of clouds. Letting my face get all brushed. Too bad that I forget how easily I am to get cold. And later find the reddish face of mine that looks like I’m using the most natural blush.

“And where was your scarf again? Did you left it at home?” For the love of God, I was literally so focused on distracting myself on everything around but you that I now really forget I was right beside you.

And that wasn’t unreasonable at all: Since you always got those glistening brown eyes that follow the shape of your lips every time you smile. Since you always got that appealing thin pink lips even if they’re small. For all of that, how could you expect me not to be intrigued when even with both my eyes closed, all I could ever see is you — and everything it is you do.

“Knock-knock is anyone there?” I rolled my eyes left and right. Unintentionally to bump after those eyes of yours that always got me to feel at ease every time we changed each other’s sight. And that clichy calls-upon-my-ware-presence from you suddenly feels just alright. And your laugh after catching my-bothered-face that strangely enough sounds as bright.

“Are you sure you didn’t want my scarf? I swear it smells good, though.” I laugh just because. But, look at your reassuring eyes telling me to just receive the scarf.

“Nope. I’m sure I’m good, we’re just going to grab the things and go back home. It’s not like the market is so far from here, the people in the house must be waiting too. And, it doesn’t seems like you do any better though, with the cold, I mean.” I laugh and hop the bus in. Left you out there with the just same laugh because you know how bad you are too, freezing.

The sun is setting down. Giving the works all to the moon and it’s now the night that is safe and sound. There weren’t any birds and flies around. Surrounding me are the full-of-people house and the frozen ground. I was sitting still on the backyard bench when you came, holding two cups of hot chocolate — probably because we ran out of coffee and you know I didn’t sit well with tea — in your hands.

“I thought you were done with your plan.” You said jokingly as to walking toward me. Sitting down, hand giving me a cup of the hot chocolate, back leaned on the backyard bench, and later I could hear you’re breathing in and out.

“What plan?” I asked right after your very first sip of the hot chocolate.

“I don’t really know. Maybe .… playing around but with me? Laughing around excluding me? Or may I just say avoiding me?” For God sake, if I ever looked like a dead meat, blame it on your damn cursed sarcasm. Because, how the hell is that one sentence long aimed right onto my heart and simply tearing it apart?

“I did not.” Oh, of course I lied. The fact that I don’t even think you’d believe that since I myself know I never be good at lying to someone and otherwise, I always do so freaking bad.

“Alright, alright, ma’am, one more lie and you’ll get that Pinocchio’s nose.”

You laughed and I turned my head around. Looking everywhere and at everything because I can’t let you know what’s there inside my mind. And I can’t let you see the lie through, I can’t let you know that I’m down so bad in such a trial to avoid you. That wasn’t all my fault as incidentally, your presence was never be a thing I could resist so easily.

“Why are you here? It’s not like it’s warmer, we’ll soon reach the number ten Celsius even.”

“Awe, are you just worrying about me now?” You and your damn odd jokes. But, was man always born with these natural ignorances because what’s with that enchanting after-jokes-self-laugh? Aren’t you even aware about the damage of my heart you might cause?

“Chill, woman, I’m just joking so please stop looking at me with those scary eyes. The people inside are just so nosy I can’t stand anymore, that was why. Well, actually I too got some hotpacks for you, you know I’m bad with cold too right? For that means, sadly enough we could not be each other’s human heater.”

And truth be told that I love that full-of-initiative brain of yours. I don’t know whether should or should not I fall in love so all I did was laugh. We both laugh even if I know I shouldn’t get along. But, oh, can we please just blame it on nature? I’m so aware myself that I can’t avoid your mellifluous laugh forever. So even now, while sitting on the bench we’re bringing the warmth in the form of laugh together.

“I’ve explained it all, didn’t I?” You break the silence that filled the air around us. Handing me the question I don’t quite know whatbouts.

“I’ve told you it wasn’t a mistake at all. I’ve told you and I’ll tell you again even a thousand times,” you’re pausing the words as your hand reaching for mine, “The kiss was never a mistake, we were never a mistake.” Those stances are clear. Just like that endearing brown eyes that always give the blush to my ears. Exactly I know where will this conversation went, though let me pretend like I don’t really know what to say so that it’s okay for me to remain in silence.

It’s just that … I feel like love shouldn’t have to be this confusing. I want you and only you but every time I feel like I do, the world is suddenly spinning. Bringing the old memories we shared together and that was what stopping me running. I no longer run and even walk toward you again that I start screaming. The fear of losing, the dread of having you far off my touch starts to fill in. I can’t imagine my life before your cringy jokes, they were long and far I couldn’t no longer hop in.

It’s not like we just met yesterday that the memories of us weren’t lingering to stay. It’s not like we used to be parting ways and handing over each other goodbye. I can’t see the future of mine without you in it, and that’s just even scarier because I’m not even sure I’ll have you to be with. I want to listen to the chirping birds. I want to walk toward the crowd and stay still in the midst of it. Most importantly, I want to have you in everything it is I did.

Call me selfish and I’ll just show you how much. Just like the old days; I want to lay down on the grass and start guessing what shape was that clouds — in right beside you until the green went slush. I want to run after the colorful butterflies and fall in a field of parennials — while having you watching me worryingly because you know I have my allergies. I want to go on a family picnic that’s including you in it. Again, that’s just how bad I’m scared. I’m dead scared to love you because I don’t think I could manage to lose you.

By the time I’m looking for more (hopefully) undebatable reason of why we shouldn’t get involved in such heart-matters, I feel your cold yet soft hand in my hair. As well as in the time I bring my eyes to look right at yours, I saw them full of faithfulness. Looking at me so fondly that I suddenly feel the love is showering me. Not to let aside your beautiful smile that almost — for every time I look at it — make me lose my sanity.

“We’re never going to part in ways. We’re going to have each other in the future of us. We’re going to see ourselves there and thereafter. You don’t have to worry about the crowded road because I’ll never dare to loosen the grip of our hands. You don’t have to worry about the brilliant butterflies and the field of parennials because even if they’re dead and long lost, I’ll make sure we would still have them with us.”

“To love and to lose was a fate we don’t know how to explain. Our task was just to do it, no matter how bad and terrible we are while at it. If you happened to feel like running, then go ahead and you’d still have me in your back chasing. If you happened to feel like sinking, then let both of us drowning. I love you and I’ll love you everyday until the day I stopped breathing,” I can feel your soft kisses in the palm of my hands, and everything just feels alright that the hurts now all mend.

“Even if I happened to leave the world first, I’ll make sure my love is safely delivered by the angles. I’ll make sure my love reaches you everyday and today too, I’ll make sure it is shown and easy for you to see through. I’ll make sure my love is good and bring you at ease every time you need it to. I gave you my love and all, they are all yours and you may do it anything you want. Here I got you my love that’s safe and sound.”