the war no one's winning

One step, two steps. First right then left. How you used to whisper as I giggled. Murmured sorry as I unintentionally stepped on your feet and that maybe I should have learned. But all you told me was to put mine on yours instead. Saying you'll take the lead.

One step, two steps. I thought to myself if I might be walking here along you side to side. Yet, I'm down here staring at the long stairs. We never know the future, you once said. And yes I have never imagined pulling myself here all alone without your hands. I count every second to crawl out here but it feels as if the time's slow downed.

We never know the future.

It was the cafe we used to spend our weekends where you held my hand in yours I remember. And the tears drowning weren’t sure they were written on the plans we made; but they were there. Sneaking in between us as the rest of the plans are burned. I’m begging you not to leave 'cause I never mind about the future. I see you smiled, squeezed my hand in yours then disappeared. Later I knew you’re the one never mind. You never mind the decisions I choke on. You never mind what ones were ours to belong. And I never mind you who’s doing it all along.

I never know the future. Where I—in all of the sudden, find you there whispering to the stone. We're parted by miles so I never expected us to be in such a close distance—at least not again. But, what are you doing there in my frontline?

However here we are anyway, sharing gaze as you turn around and find me right behind. And I wonder what you talked to my mother. Did you send all the memories of us buried down with her? Or is it your apologies sent for the way you lost her doppelganger?

I clench my fist and I know there you're standing with your gritted teeth. But none of us dare to cut the spaces. Your eyes stare directly to my soul and I don't know how to act but like a fool. Flustered, I search anything around to look at but your deadly glittery eyes I used to—or maybe still—long for. It isn't fair to me that after everything I've through because of you I can't help but to missed every inch of you, precisely you too.

And as if that wasn't enough, I stopped and asked you to wait for me like crazy. I'm not sure if I got hit somewhere but I think my head is empty. So I correct me and said only if you don't mind, and that I swear I'll be quick.

"No, it's okay. I'll wait, nevermind."

Oh, really who am I speaking to, I fly one cynical laugh to myself, blaming me who dare to forget who are you. 'Cause of course you wouldn't mind. You had always been never mind.

Hence I run to my mother, who lied soundlessly even after all the storms are over. I watch the stone where her name imprisoned, so long that I feel my eyes burn. What are you doing down there, I whisper. What was he talking about while I’m not here, was he always come without any announcements? I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promises: that once I swore he wouldn’t left just like father. And those years have passed me down but I’d still long for his presence. And I’m so sorry for becoming your complete doppelganger.

"I thought you would already left."

"I've said I'll wait, no?"

You must've saw a glimpse of my smile. Assuming that I didn't recall it wrong, you were saying you'll stay forever long too, no? Or were we had a completely different means of forever too, do we?

And I had you in the walk down stair. Just like what I imagined our should-have-been-future. So I don't know why I feel emptier inside than before. Was it because there are no holding hands in between? Or was it because none of us would share the talk about today's even it's only "pretty decent"? The ground's wet of rain, I remember you love it too much I'll see you under it often. But you said nothing about it, now that the rain's nowhere to be found.

Now that the air sickened me to the bone. Now that the still-wet scars tore and twice broken. Now that I know I've completely lost us—maybe again.

"I'll take the bus" and "I'll walk a little more" was the only final we could said. And we parting ways with no byes flying. None's hands were waving. So, who would dare expecting a tight hug we both forgot to bring? So, who would say we're free from the prison we trapped ourselves in?

I lost you and you lost me—again. We lost the war no one's winning. And maybe all along it's the love we whis

pered each other in the morning.