we should've just stayed where the horizon lay

credit to pinterest.

I remember walking around the town by your mom’s company — it was when the weather was sunny. We were talking on our way to grab a coffee when your mom was so excitedly telling me of how much you love volley. She said you might watch the live match and yet she’d still find you rewatching it on your phone so religiously. And when I, unintentionally bought your favorite kind of coffee, she said that we must be a real destiny. But, does she mean it to be everything: including us that ends in such irony?

I remember we were once travelling in town for a building you and your best of friend would build a cafe on. We took the longest way to go as we haven’t met in quite sometime and that you miss me now, you say so. The train was long by only a few people. Then I wasn’t talking much that you start telling the stories of your kind-hearted new neighbor.

I always know how good you are at making up a conversation. The glittering eyes of yours that is sparkling more and more as you’re getting the excitement. And how those apple cheeks too, slowly getting bigger just as you laughed as airy as if it’s finally the weekend. I may be less in responding but you wouldn’t just mind at all, instead, you’d start to bring another topic to make sure it lasts longer. Though, maybe too, you weren’t. Because by the time fate struck us in a way harder, I wasn’t seen you said nothing at the moment.

It hasn’t been long since the sun arose, but here you’ll see the people are all already in a rush. I watch them crossing all over here and there at such a fast pace, I thought about it for a while that, do they even know whoever is that they have passed? Everyone looks like they got something chased after them and no matter how tragic it would seem, that’s the life we, nowadays live in.

Today’s wind is just as hard as how recently it has been. The brown leaves are everything you’d see everywhere around. They are much and all covering the ground that you may walk along their crispy crushing sound. It’s just like they’re celebrating the freezing late autumn as if telling: we will soon down to winter.

I start to walk crossing the so-much crowded station. Hand holding a cup of coffee — the one that is not your favorite kind because there wasn’t much left in between — a particular your mom wouldn’t call out us for it over the word destiny. I sunk into the world of wonder as someone suddenly bumped right onto my right leg that then made me stumbled upon nothing and too, dropped the cup of coffee down. I’m swearing in a quiet tone because I’m not sure I’d do it plainly in front of the kid whose head is now looking down so deeply.

I bring my feet to go lower and start trying to talk to him. “Are you all okay? Did you probably hurt somewhere?” He’s shaking his head slowly, but even if he’s now hesitant about yes or not he should be apologizing to me, I can tell that he feels bad already. So I smiled and just about to ask where his guardian was that he needs to walk all alone in this kind of condition when someone shouted for him — perhaps it is since not so long after, she’s right there in front of me, too, looking so freakingly worried about the kid.

“I’m so sorry, I should have put my attention to my grandson only but I was unaware, I–” And I wasn’t, for once expecting to hear that voice for the very first time again after quite some time passed over. Guess, she’s as shocked as me that we both suddenly left in such a blank response. Not a single of us feel the need to say something even just to repeating sorries.

Might I be the first that’s capable to leave that dangerous trench of shocks and stillness as then I start to cough. Tried to make sure I’m all okay myself to start the dialog by laugh, “It’s fine, I can just grab another coffee again, it wasn’t much. You have such a cute grandson by the way, he’s nice too, so, please don’t ever loosen your sight over him again, more that you were in the midst of the crowd.” I pulled — try my best to pull and hold — myself not to say much and excusing myself out there quickly.

Yet, there were still a few steps I took to get out of there when she shouted out once again, out of my name this time. I turned around looking all fine — I’ve made sure I looked fine — and found she just where she was then. Though not like the first time, she’s now speaking as soon as she sees me paying attention.

“He’s not his,” I could sense your breathing in and out. But, just in a while, to be nonchalant is the best thing, now, I could and should. So, she managed to talk again as if the silence of mine is all you’d always understood, “And he’s here, just all fine by the time I say it out loud. I’m not going to ask you to come after him but, you are too, more or less my dear daughter that I wish to be all finally fine and soon leave the restaurant as you would.” That understanding tone of hers I always craved my own mother to say even for once, even in such a murmurs. I didn’t feel any of her pityness, to be sure I didn’t find it everywhere: just the love and careness.

So, I smiled once again, as much as I could to seem just like I understand — but really, I am. While deep down my heart is hard to maintain, it is hard to reminisce about the pieces I’ve left unnamed. It is hard in which I recognized yourself all over head to toe and have no rights to run after and hug you. Or maybe just because it is something I should not do.

“Don’t worry, really. I’ve left the restaurant, and even so, I would still bring along the leftovers home; the sweet carrot cake I haven’t touched, the bittersweet Cappuccino which didn’t even meet the corner of my mouth. And it would however, be much of welcome. So, Mom,” I take a gap over uncertainty, of whether I should continue my words or I should not — that now I see your face, shocked over my unexpected call-upon-you I shouldn’t have said, “Just, don’t worry.”

That was the last I said before I — for real this time — excusing myself. Walked away as to leaving everything it is that left. That may be none, that may be no thing since it still feels like this shoulder of mine has not gotten relaxed on. It’s as if I still have those burdensome things everywhere along. That I would have just put it everywhere I wanted, but, guess, I just won’t.

Don’t worry, that was what I last said to her but here I am ended up eventually. While the sun is preparing its way down, while the gradient of red and orange brushed up the horizon, I, most pathetically looking right at the building of unexplainable memory. It’s still the same as when the last time I came to see. The small looking building covered in most-white paint that grew widely. Hence, I wonder if it was the will of us in so-far-buried-recollection made you come after the idea of it, literally?

I remember I wrote down Peony: which I look at now, most wilted down in a squared-form-pot beneath the window. I remember I wrote down two pairs of chairs in front of the cafe — and I remember seeing two couples sit at it days ago as the bus I’m in chose to step on this way. However, I can’t remember, of how I ended up standing right after the door, of where I get the nerve to step my feet inside the cafe’s structure.

And when both of our eyes met, I never really understood what I had really expected. You were smiling just a while back then, but as I walked toward you it slowly disappeared. So, I wonder what’s probably there inside your mind: is it the wish that flies so that I’d take a step back and run again? Or was it your own alter ego telling you to just stay there and stand?

“I-”

“One Cappuccino with an extra shot, please, and I’d like to take away.”

And I know that you tried your best to hold yourself. I know you tried your best to put up in a scene I made myself — and without any protests. You, I know you’d never want to leave a single chance. I know you got so much to say to me if only I ever dared to let you have the space. If only I never be so freakingly scared to hear a thing — that I don’t know how I be so sure it would be bad — out of your mouth and leave a trace.

But I’m so sorry; that you have to force yourself to get along with the plan I haven’t even told you what about. And I’m so sorry; that we would’ve been there — I would have still been there, making coffees One would love to have a sip out of it. That we could’ve been just fine — if only we start to talk and stop being a scaredy-cat that only knows how to wail. I’m so sorry; that we should’ve stayed in where the horizon lay, embracing the love that could last longer than today. But we didn’t, we didn’t because we’re too scared too yesterday.

“Here’s your free Cappuccino. It’s free because I wasn’t expecting you to come all the way here when I know you’re busy.” For that, I must thank you so much that you laughed.

“Thank you so much.”

“It wasn’t much.”

“But, I wasn’t talking about the coffee.” I take a deep breath in and out, which I know you, on the other hand, holding it off, “I thank you for coming back all safe. For putting yourself back on life, for overcoming the death and life phase, in all safe. And even if you have so much to say to me right now, please hold it there longer because I’m still the scaredy-cat you know. Because I’m more pathetic creature alive than your wilted Peonies by the window. And even if I have more to say to you too, I would just leave it inside me for now.”

𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵. 𝘉𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘧𝘢𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘴. 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘦𝘵, 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦. 𝘠𝘦𝘵, 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘋𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘚𝘰, 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘵, 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦.